Yes it’s my birthday!

But don’t ask me my age please… because I have to count and I’m not at good in Math!

I told my husband I just want no dishes on the kitchen sink and maybe, maybe Thai take out.

I’m not a fan of parties anyways… nor gifts… I have everything I need… There was a little quiz on facebook the other day and gave you a few things to pick – and I chose coffee, book and leggings!  ha ha ha! I really wanted to go back to basics. My husband renovated his old junk room to be my study cum art room because it has a big window and he painted it white just the way I like it. And it was finished last night just in time for my birthday! It is a big white room, with a big window, a white table and a chair. And when you talk it echoes because it is empty; the room speaks out loud! It does not need anything else. I. LOVE. IT! I wish I can do this in every aspect of my life. I started already but it is going slow…eventually I will get there to the Basics, to the White Room. Then I can hear it speak loud and clear.

Happy Birthday Self!

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things I learned when I broke my foot

broken footI’m forced to slow down

It’s ok to cry and grieve for my loss

It’s ok to be sad not to be able to drive, walk, dance for now…

it’s ok to ask help to reach for the butter

it’s ok to have a messy kitchen

I can’t do downward dog but I can do three legged dog thingy

I can still do “happy baby” with my bionic leg- yay!

I’m building my arms & upper body strength

I actually enjoy doing nothing

I’m stuck with my husband & daughter and really get to hang out with them

I need to accept to impose on people and swallow my pride- tough!

I get to find out who are the people that I can rely on- aha!

  • I’m learning watercolour painting Man with broken leg using medical scooter sees another man with a broken leg using a biker gang-style chopper medical scooter.
  • please don’t stare at me…
  • if I’m alone and desperate I can crawl to anywhere
  • I appreciate the handicap bathroom
  • the handicap push buttons are timed so fast, c’mon!
  • I need to still laugh at myself
  • I’m learning to be patient with myself
  • most people are really considerate
  • wow! essential oils really calm my nerves and help my foot
  • I need to eat more greens and kefir and other calcium rich foods
  • I hop along but I’m still the same person
  • I love my super cool knee scooter and kids dig them too!
  • I appreciate my feet- I so miss walking with them

Dear Canada

July 1, 2017

Dear Canada,

I still remember 17 years ago, I landed in Edmonton international airport and asked my then boyfriend “where are the people?” Soon enough I found out my Dearest Canada that your people are the best in the world!

You welcome newcomers like me to your home, not as a foreign visitor but as your long missed daughter.

Yeah, yeah… the winters are bitterly cold but your hearts are warm as burning coals- you even offered me your own coat (and Timmies too!)

And the Rockies, the snow covered mountains and endless lakes and rivers- how magnificent, how breath -taking!

You care for your poets, dancers, athletes, farmers, volunteers and veterans. You care for your community- I love, love your library, farmers market and little Canuck boutiques;

You care for your environment- you recycle, upcycle and thrifting is trendy.

Best of all you take care of me as an individual, free to be me; able to give back and use my talents and means to my adoptive motherland. I can think of another 17,000 reasons why I’m faithful and forever grateful to you but you know that by now eh?

Continue reading “Dear Canada”

what do i want

I want to want more than the natural default setting I have in my being. I want to want what God wants me to want. To be the best in what I was set to be, that I was born to maximize all the potential in me- to use every bit of the gifts and talents He wanted me to utilize. To use the wisdom in each obstacle; to succeed in loving each human being whether beautiful or unlovable; to always be impeccable and sinless and perfect! To meet Him in the end and said that “Father God, I am proud to say that I did it all- I wanted the right and Godly “wantful” things in the world!”

But that is impossible-

So I start to get real and get it that God is a loving and forgiving and not just our brand or hashtag of “#knowitall” but really, He really knows it and us all! And so I should relax and be ok that I mess us and ‘fess up and start all over again. So I did want things that are not healthy and actually self –destructive. Having born and raised in Manila, Philippines , a third world country- it is ingrained in my mind that the ultimate goal is to gain financial wealth. It is in my culture and a family expectation to help and support (meaning financial) not just moral and spiritual. Hence, that became my mission- to excel in my studies, to land a high paying job and work and work and achieve all of these things. I want to become successful! In my narrow minded, materialistic, consumer -centered, idolatrous way of thinking. So this goal took me in a whirlwind of careers, even my relationships were scarred but I went on pursuing this dream. I travelled in a few continents to work more to cover my disappointments, then failed more than before, worked harder, then failed deeper, more heart broken than ever that nearly took my life. That was a close call so I guess I slowed down and lowered my “wantings” which took me to Canada, my first world land of manna. However, after more than a decade of family raising, building my credit to afford a single detached bungalow in a suburb and Japanese cars as well as to fly to Disneyland in the dead of the winter—- I feel that once again I am at a loss. Yes I have achieved and made it to North America, worked my head off and got promoted a few times- working more than seventy hours each week including holidays in a Christian organization, serving the poor and homeless but most of the time I come home so exhausted and burned out I could not even sleep, let alone communicate with my little daughter. People praised me for being like “an angel and surrendering my own wants to serve” but deep inside I was getting bitter and could not go on.  So where my original wants did take me? I thought I know that this was God’s will, that I was following my calling, but I was swimming deep, deep at the end of the ocean and did not even recognize I was already drowning. Dr. Neal’s talk about David Foster Wallace’s “This is Water” made me remember my past journey of distorted wants and desires.

Nowadays I want the simple things in life: walking to the farmers market by the lake, while sipping my organic kombucha, picking up holds from the library, or if my shopping drive kicks in I head to my local (non franchise/nonprofit) Thrift Store. Or dance my energies and stress away via Zumba 🙂 And I still able to pay my bills and still get to pursue my passion and my new and improved version of wants at King’s community where I also work. Stepping down from the high level, high stress job to my present work at King’s make my life more balanced. And I am thankful. I believe God is not done with me yet and I am sensitive to that. I believe I am more in tune with my body and His body and my family. I take regular trips to the mountain to get a break from the demands of school, work and the city. I think I know now what I do NOT want and I believe I am slowly “getting to the heart of what I want”.

Three Things Thanks

I could not help but overthink things. That is who I am.

Like things to be thankful for. Oh what are those three? I need to think something unique or profound or amazing!

Then it becomes a lie. Superficial. Fake. Then i’m letting my perfectionism creeps in again.

Nope I will thank my mismatched socks, the broken eggs (but free range) sunny side up, the coffee grounds on my good coffee ( but Free trade espresso if i may boast); i’m thankful that i have a warm, messy kitchen filled with the breakfast aroma and the voice of Stuart Maclean with The Lovelies serenading like the old times ! And best of all despite the grumbling and the arguing on who’s taking the compost out on this cold morning, these are the people I love most. The very reason I am so thankful for!

Three Things Thanks

We started to thank three things each day- several weeks ago.

Some days it is very difficulty to think of something-anything to be thankful for.

Some days there is just too much to be thankful for- and I will have six things…..

Yesterday- I have these three things:

  1. Able to return that Amazon purchase I made that was broken and damaged – i know…
  2. Attended an author reading “60” by Ian Brown- so hilarious and funny about aging-hmm there’s some adult rated talk but still worth listening…
  3. And I can park INSIDE my garage now- thank you dear husband! awesome timing -look at the white stuff !!  oh well…

Who Am I

Who Am I?

Remind me who i am

who used to be funny and carefree

or always dance to any beat

who used to write poems

or clean the bathroom

who used to watch the birds fly

or beat the the red lights

who used to plant tomatoes

or visit the county museum

who used to walk to the park

or phone your long, lost friend

who used to be loving

or just mad at human beings

who used to sing with little kids

or just be yourself

who are you

remind me again

 

Is that really me?