I want to want more than the natural default setting I have in my being. I want to want what God wants me to want. To be the best in what I was set to be, that I was born to maximize all the potential in me- to use every bit of the gifts and talents He wanted me to utilize. To use the wisdom in each obstacle; to succeed in loving each human being whether beautiful or unlovable; to always be impeccable and sinless and perfect! To meet Him in the end and said that “Father God, I am proud to say that I did it all- I wanted the right and Godly “wantful” things in the world!”
But that is impossible-
So I start to get real and get it that God is a loving and forgiving and not just our brand or hashtag of “#knowitall” but really, He really knows it and us all! And so I should relax and be ok that I mess us and ‘fess up and start all over again. So I did want things that are not healthy and actually self –destructive. Having born and raised in Manila, Philippines , a third world country- it is ingrained in my mind that the ultimate goal is to gain financial wealth. It is in my culture and a family expectation to help and support (meaning financial) not just moral and spiritual. Hence, that became my mission- to excel in my studies, to land a high paying job and work and work and achieve all of these things. I want to become successful! In my narrow minded, materialistic, consumer -centered, idolatrous way of thinking. So this goal took me in a whirlwind of careers, even my relationships were scarred but I went on pursuing this dream. I travelled in a few continents to work more to cover my disappointments, then failed more than before, worked harder, then failed deeper, more heart broken than ever that nearly took my life. That was a close call so I guess I slowed down and lowered my “wantings” which took me to Canada, my first world land of manna. However, after more than a decade of family raising, building my credit to afford a single detached bungalow in a suburb and Japanese cars as well as to fly to Disneyland in the dead of the winter—- I feel that once again I am at a loss. Yes I have achieved and made it to North America, worked my head off and got promoted a few times- working more than seventy hours each week including holidays in a Christian organization, serving the poor and homeless but most of the time I come home so exhausted and burned out I could not even sleep, let alone communicate with my little daughter. People praised me for being like “an angel and surrendering my own wants to serve” but deep inside I was getting bitter and could not go on. So where my original wants did take me? I thought I know that this was God’s will, that I was following my calling, but I was swimming deep, deep at the end of the ocean and did not even recognize I was already drowning. Dr. Neal’s talk about David Foster Wallace’s “This is Water” made me remember my past journey of distorted wants and desires.
Nowadays I want the simple things in life: walking to the farmers market by the lake, while sipping my organic kombucha, picking up holds from the library, or if my shopping drive kicks in I head to my local (non franchise/nonprofit) Thrift Store. Or dance my energies and stress away via Zumba 🙂 And I still able to pay my bills and still get to pursue my passion and my new and improved version of wants at King’s community where I also work. Stepping down from the high level, high stress job to my present work at King’s make my life more balanced. And I am thankful. I believe God is not done with me yet and I am sensitive to that. I believe I am more in tune with my body and His body and my family. I take regular trips to the mountain to get a break from the demands of school, work and the city. I think I know now what I do NOT want and I believe I am slowly “getting to the heart of what I want”.